Me+Cougar

The next step

Perhaps it's the post-graduation euphoria talking, but I think I know the next step. It is the piece of unfinished business that has been tracking me since my 20's. I think I am finally ready to do a Ph.D. It will be part-time, while I work at my full-time job, as I did for my Master's. There is a small potential technical issue with timespans that might prevent it, but beyond that, everything seems in alignment. I have a supportive advisor, who is well aware of my situation and is very patient. I have a job with flexible hours that allows me to take classes. I have a research area that I am really interested in. And, the really crucial piece that I didn't find out until last week, all of my Master's classes will carry over, which means I need only 4 more classes, an exam and a dissertation. This last bit is really important. I just couldn't see going back and taking 36 hours worth of course work. But 12 hours is doable. That's only a year, or maybe a year-and-a-half if I take it easy.

Still, even though it feels right, there's a good chance I might not make it. I couldn't do it in my 20's in Math. But I think my motivations now are different. Back then, I wanted to do a doctorate, then go into Academia like my dad, without really knowing what that meant. Back then, I couldn't get past the idea of GPA and getting the right answer on a test. Now, I'm less interested in that. This degree would be much more personal, much more about proving something to myself. I understand the academic mentality and system far better. Doing this thesis has taught me a lot, and so has my work experience. I am better now, I think, about battering away at a problem, at not being overwhelmed by a long-term project. Though it may take some time, I think I could make a contribution, even if only a small one. Well, we shall see.

Done and Printed

Just got done printing the final copies of the thesis on nice cotton paper. Printed on Thanksgiving morning (early hours) 2009. So that's it then. No more changes. Nothing more to do than turn it in to the Dean's Office on Tuesday. And I am thankful to be done. And also thankful to have something meaningful to celebrate for my 50th post. If it were not for the pressure to produce a paper from this, I think I would feel a tremendous sense of release. As it is, were it not for a sense of obligation to my advisor, I would be quite happy to drop the paper altogether. But for right now, I'm going to forget about it, drink Apricot Ale, and eat turkey (or shrimp fajitas).

Loose ends

Hmmm... well...
So the last time I posted, I had just turned in the first draft to my advisor. Now I've already defended, and made the few changes recommended by the committee, and got that back to the dean for their perusal.

The defense was quite a shock. For my first master's, I did a project, so there was no defense. For my second, the defense was great -- like having a conversation with a couple of friends who really liked something I'd done. This defense was quite different. I had to prepare a 35 min presentation, and the idea was that I'd present then answer questions. But about 10 minutes in, one of the committee members asked about something I'd said, and from then on it rained questions and criticism: "well, have you considered this case? why not?", "the point you're making is obvious -- it's well known", "let me tell you how you should have gone about this." It was pretty rough. And I realized that from the beginning, the project I'd been assigned was a bad fit for a defense. I was simply trying to provide a known capability. They were expecting a research project. So while for me, all I had to do was test that the capability worked properly, they cared nothing at all about how robustly it was implemented, only whether it was superior to other techniques, and if so, under what circumstances. And the one piece that we added on at the end that did have a research angle they found completely uninteresting.

Really, I shouldn't have been so surprised. I knew that they would be more interested in results and research than in all the time I had taken to understand and express the statistics behind the formulas. I don't even think they read those sections of the thesis -- the only comments I got were on the abstract and the results sections. And oddly, after all the questions and enough suggestions for things I should have done to do a dissertation on, they didn't require me to do anything beyond a few minor changes. It was a big reminder to me, though, of what the research life is like, and why I didn't do the Math Ph.D. You have to give your life to the subject. You do one thing, and do it to the exclusion of everything else. You become an expert in one little narrow area by studying everything ever written on it, and then you help push the boundary. You go out and seek grant money, fund graduate students, spend your life promoting your research, and in the end, perhaps, you have a result named after you, or a well-known paper, or a set of disciples carrying on the torch. And compared to that investment, the time I've spent writing code, testing, compiling sources, and trying to express it all in words the best way I can seems like nothing, and the results of my labors feel amateurish, which, in reality, they are. I have yet to find the thing worth devoting my life to. My passions at this point are reactive rather than creative. I wonder if perhaps I ought to be content with being a skillful workman. Ultimately I do not want to, but that too is a reactive passion, a cry against meaninglessness. Already I am looking for my next educational experience -- already the void is stirring inside me. Part of it is about boredom. Another part is just hearing someone say, "you have done measurably well." That is why it stings when I realize that all the A's on coursework and words of praise from my advisor, and even my own feeling of satisfaction amount to a mere forgery. I want to say, "you can't possibly expect me to take it *that* seriously -- I'm only doing this for fun. It's just not that important. I get just as much pleasure from laying laminate well." Then again, maybe all these thoughts right now are the post-defense emptiness talking. So either way, here I am recording, so I can look back later and think either "at one point, he really got it," or "how could he have thought that?"

Fully Drafty

Just sent in my first full draft of my thesis. I'm tired, and disappointed with the latest results. But I also can't quite believe that on my hard drive (and now on Google's hard drive) there is a complete document, be it ever so humble. Alas, that it has so many shortcomings. But hoorah that it exists. I'm not nearly as proud of this as I was of my last thesis. That was real thought, real ideas, earned step by step over months of processing. This has its moments, I suppose, but I don't feel like I've broken through the barrier to being a co-creator of knowledge rather than a tweaker. I still look at those theoretical papers and wonder "how could someone be genius enough to come up with that?" There's a bone ceiling -- my skull -- and I can't get past it. Still, I'm glad to have a draft done before leaving tomorrow to come back to Houston. I expect I'll be wiped tomorrow night. Especially after the bottle or two of beer I'm planning to celebrate with :)

I really enjoyed being in Baton Rouge today. I guess I had low expectations, but the campus and the area around it is just how I imagine a college should be. I wondered if this is how Austin used to feel before it got big (not culturally, obviously, but there's a certain feel about a big university in a state capital where it's a big deal, but there is other stuff). Baton Rouge feels the right size, somehow. I walked down the main road through the campus and took a couple of pics. I saw three good-sized buildings belonging to religious groups. The Episcopal one was a lovely chapel with its doors thrown open in welcome, but no one in sight. The Catholic one was magnificent with stained glass, and absolutely huge. Its doors were closed, but there was one person around -- inside. The Baptist one was less impressive -- neat and practical with large rectangular glass windows, through which you could see students and staff interacting. Seemed like a metaphor for something.

Forestalling the Morning

I'm lying in bed working on the thesis, listening to a Russian Orthodox choir sing a chant called "Forestalling the Morning." It's 5:30am, dark and drizzly. But I feel good about getting stuff written up, even though I haven't made the breakthrough discovery tonight that I hoped for. And the music is fantastic, no -- that's the wrong word -- it just is. I mean, it is fantastic, and beautiful, and thoughtful, but those are qualities of the music. The music itself is more than that. More even than its connotations of drafty monasteries in the frigid Russian winter, and monks gathered to forestall daybreak even earlier than 5:30, kept warm by the smell of incense and the singing of the chant. Why forestall the morning? Why not let the sun rise, and bring at least a little warmth? I don't know about them, but I do understand the desire to stretch the current moment, to stave off even good things because the now is so great for whatever reason: inspiration, productivity, enlightenment. Right now, I'm in a place of thinking "when the morning comes, there will be time to enjoy it then."

I don't often think like that. More often it's "what's the next thing I have to get done," the next duty, the next problem, the next interruption. I wish I could keep this perspective. Focusing only on the tasks and problems is dispiriting -- there are always more problems and more tasks. One more bug fixed? Great -- now fix this one. To begin a day before the day even begins just feels good. If I could, I would probably start each day really early. Usually that never works for me, but at the moment I seem to be on a weird schedule: work, come home, make dinner, go upstairs, work on thesis for a couple of hours, then sleep for 4-5 hrs, wake up around 2 or 3 or 4 or 5, work on thesis, then sleep a bit more before work. Why not just work more on thesis in the evenings and sleep normally? I don't know. This is just what my body seems to want to do. Sleep for me is like Keith's arms. Some positions are comfortable for him, others are intensely painful, and which ones are which is unpredictable. I don't think I'll work this way forever, but for now it feels comfortable. And I get to email my advisor at weird times in the morning, so he knows I'm working hard (which I am in reality anyway).

Recipe

I don't usually publish recipes, but Kathryn really liked this. I was going for a soup that would have a creamy flavor without being too heavy. I cheated by basing this on a can :) Baxter's soup is made in Scotland, not too far where I grew up. But I found cans in our local HEB. This recipe is heretical since vichyssoise is supposed to be served cold. But I don't really care so long as it tastes good.

Salmon and Mushroom Vichyssoise

1 lb of salmon, cut into 1" cubes (with or without skin -- your preference)
2 medium red or white potatoes cut into 1/2" cubes
6-8 oz of mushrooms (button, cremini or portabella), coarsely chopped
1 can of Baxter's Vichyssoise soup
14-16 oz of chicken broth (either a can or bouillon is fine; fat-free/low fat is fine)
1 yellow (crookneck) squash, sliced
1 carrot, sliced (optional)
1 small onion, chopped (optional)
1 tsp turmeric
1/2 tsp dill
1/2 tsp garlic powder
salt and pepper to taste

Place all ingredients in a 3 qt pot. Bring to a boil then simmer, covered, for 40 mins.
Makes 5 large bowls.

Serving suggestions: I served this as an entrée with Indian flatbread (roti) because it's quick to make and uses ingredients I have on hand. You could also add rice to the soup, or serve with another type of bread.